Fear, Hopelessness, Dispare.

There's things in life, you as a person can not stop. You can't conqure the world as one being, but you can with a group. Where there is dispare, saddness & helplessness There is hope. There's someone bigger than us. Someone who sees everything before we do. Who's seen the worst of worst, and the greatest of great. His name is Jesus, Lord, God, The holy spirit. He's the one most of us forget we have protecting us. I've never been severly religious, but i do believe in him. I've been jaded by my life and everything thats been going on. As an 18year old i'll say i have it bad, but i don't have it horrible. I have roof over my head, a mom who loves me, and i have food. I'm not forced to be a sex slave, i don't starv at night, and i'm not forced into war. I have a voice. I am my own person. I've forgotten i had one. I lived everyday of my life like it was a normal day, I'd wake up sit eat breakfast, go on my laptop, go to school, come home eat go on my laptop and sleep. I use to go to church as a kid, but i wasn't affected by god. I guess you could say i was a nonbeliever, Sure i'd pray to god to keep my family safe, but i never gave him my whole self my trust my soul my spirt my love. I half assed my spirtituallity. I've recently just started going to church, i'm in a youth group now. The first night the night of my first night going to youth group i really didn't want to go, but i had this feeling inside me i knew i had to go and i didn't know why i wanted to scream, it overcame me. So i went, i met a few friends and i found out that i could become a student leader to middle school kids, that program is called LUGrox. I shadowed at LUGrox on last saturday it was pretty amazing, the middle school kids loved it, it's upbeat and so amazing. I can't begin to explain how i felt being there being able to witness highschoolers teaching gods word to middleschoolers. I went to Youthgroup today our youth group is called doulce, And i got the form to sign saying i wanted to work in LUGrox, and i have to get an interview but i'm looking forward to that. But thats not the reason i'm blogging, I believe TODAY i've found the reason god pushed me to go to church. Today they showed a presentation of FallingWhistles. (http://www.fallingwhistles.com/splash/index.php) It's about little boys being brain washed being fed rottenfood and told to fight in a war. The little ones who are not allowed to carry guns, they are givin a whistle, they are to blow the whistle to make noise warning thier leaders 'bad' people are comming, those little boys get shot. They die, their whistels fall to the ground, they are no longer alive. The older boys are givin a gun, and are told to kill who ever is not one of them. They are FORCED into this battle, they are taken from their homes, beaten severly and told what to do. I love kids i'm a kid advocate, i have a passion for kids, i love teaching and babysitting. And seeing that made my heart break, i asked for a whistel for my birthday from my grandma. I get a whistel and 100% of the procedes goes to falling whistles. I'll wear the whistle around my neck and i'll begin to tell people what it means to me. I support this website, and what it's doing. I wish i could do more, untill i find out how i'll just continue on supporting it, telling every little boys story from congo. Hoping my effort helps change whats happening, i'm one person one human being but if you help me by showing your friends your family anyone some hobo just anyone this website, we can make a diffrence. We can help the little boys from congo little by little. I hope to make a change.

There are other websites i support to and i'll write about tomorrow, i'm beat i've had alot happen in one day. But for today i'm satified i feel like i've got something accomplished.

I support:
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/about/history/?_kk=invisible%20children&_kt=9050ecd5-4056-4eae-aef8-190ee1ad8e2d&gclid=CMvwptLkr6ACFQeenAodx3eYUQ
&
http://www.raphahouse.org/

for now goodnight.
sweet dreams.
pray for the little boys in congo.

Trying To Be Perfect For Daddy.

I'm the oldest out of 4. My mom has 2 boys, Nathan and Michael. And my dad has one boy Kasey, and one daughter Kierstyn. With my mom everything has came easy I’ve lived with her my whole life well okay from when I was 2 until now. I've never really lived with my dad, I’ve wanted too when I was 12 but I didn't have enough heart to leave my mom. When I was 1 till about 7 I was a strong daddy’s girl. I never left my dad's side when I was in Ocala to visit him. Whenever I was scared he'd say this one simple saying is 'be daddy tough' and I’d buck up and be stronger. I believe that saying makes me as strong as I am today. I remember crying when I had to leave to go to my mom's and he promised me we'd see each other again. I remember feeling so alone so deserted just because I wasn't with my dad. But then the next day I’d cling to my mom. Growing up I rarely saw my dad, because my mom sort of kept me from him. But every Christmas I’d see him and I remember that the most cause I always got SO many presents it was unreal! When I was little I never had to ask for attention I just got it I was a spoiled rotten little girl. But now that I’m older I find myself striving for my dad’s attention. I feel like he favors my cousin Ashley more than me. And it hurts. He went to her graduation and cried. This makes me feel less competent than my cousin because now I can’t graduate from high school cause of my accident that has happened in October. My dad thinks I’m a failure now, because I haven't been back to school. He believes I’m going to be nothing and go nowhere. This to me is demeaning and hurts so much. I believe a father should be there for their daughter no matter what; but lucky me I got the one that has favorites and guess what, I’m not one of them. My little sister Kierstyn I’m not going to say she has it good, she just has my dad the way I wish I had him. He coaches for her baseball team, he helps her he pushes her to her full potential. All I get is some drunken dad who talks shit about me behind my back. I came into a room one time while he was drinking and he said 'my daughter is going to be a McDonald chief she won't go back to school, she's faking her back injury she wants to bum off us for the rest of her life.' That hurt, how am I suppose to go back to school when I can't sit in the same spot for more than 10mins, how can I go when I have back issues, I will go back to school when I’m physically able too. And I’ve offered to get a job but both of my parents won't let me. I find myself trying to put on this perfect daughter act for my dad, and yet it always fails. I remember the day before father’s day I offered to watch my sister my cousin Dominic and baby cousin Drakken so the 'ADULTS' could go party have fun and act like completely drunken idiots. I sat there all day babysitting for them. And not just babysitting but giving them beers out of the kitchen. Time went bye and my stepmom told me my dad was all over mrs. caroline which i had no doubt he was cause he's a slut when he's drunk. So i was the responsible daughter and i told him to get out of the pool and let's go home and he said ok. Then he wouldn't get out he was still in the pool with that lady so i yelled at him and told him he needs to come so FINALLY he did and on his way to the car my step mom yelled at him so he went in my aunts car. So i had to yell at him again to get in our car, and his friend mike yelled at me and said 'you stupid little bitch shut the fuck up let the adults handle it' and i got mad and yelled right back i said 'i'm an adult now i can do what I want that is my dad' and he said 'you stupid bitch I’m going to slap the shit outta your mouth if you don't shut the fuck up' and so I sat back and swallowed my pride and started crying. When my dad got in the car mike told my dad he was going to slap my mouth so hard and my dad didn't even stick up for me he YELLED AT ME and asked me what the fuck my problem was and why was I disrespecting his friend. All I tried to do was save my family, save my little sister from having to go through divorce. But you know what I get, yelled at for it. I always try my best at whatever I do around my dad and I get yelled at. I can never be the daughter he wants he never says thank you, and on father’s day I swallowed my pride and said happy father’s day and he just hung up. I feel like I’m just his niece or something and my cousin has replaced me. My dad knows I want to go to fsu and he told me I can't do it. My cousin says she wants to go to fsu and he tells her she can do it and pushes her to reach that goal. I've failed my dad but I really don't know how. It hurts but I can never tell him because he denies it all. Therefore I can NEVER be perfect for daddy.